Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Shall We Call This A Lesson Learned?

     I am just a walking zombie. If I weren't such a baby I would already be gone. My make up, a mask. Clothes, a curtain. No one knows me. Real or fake, I'm an oddity that isn't relavent enough to notice. Awkward and psychotic. A cinic, I don't believe in good or bad, no right or wrong. Everything just is.
     Then why depression? Why anger? Sadness? Happiness? Illusions. Lies to keep us sane. Acceptable only because we like, as a people, to be happy. We like those cruel, giddy butterflies of love, even when they turn into poisionous scorpions in the end. Romantic, I know.
     What made me like this? What happens to people who think that the world is good. That there is love and happiness for everyone. What makes that go bad? What changed me? Love? Perhaps.. there was once someone in my life who told me that love was the source of all evil. I completely disregarded that, and said that the great John Lenin had it right "All you need is love". Not true. Love has a funny way of stabbing you in the back. Of making you feel pain that you didn't know you could feel. Love opens your heart and throws daggers at it until there is nothing left but a big, bloody hole. Maybe that guy was right... maybe love isn't such a great thing afer all. I can't think of one situation where love made me happy, and didn't make me cry in the end.
     No one knows how fragile girls are. We hurt, we feel, we hear what you say, and we never forget it. I will forever know that I am a psychotic, ignorant, stupid, selfish, ugly, silly girl (insert most creative colorful language here) who was the equivalent of the devil. That is what I will always think of when I think of that. Always. That I am not good enough for anyone.
     When will I learn, no one loves me. So, I should stop falling in love. Lesson learned

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Just Call Me A Liar

     Let me unleash. My writing, is my writing. You are choosing to read it. If you are choosing to get offended, that is not my problem. It's a choice. You chose to believe those lies, don't blame me when you get hurt. I didn't even do anything to you.
    Sometimes, I may forget that you know me WAY better than I really know myself. I forget that I wasnt the one there, living my life, that was you. You were there and that is why you "know" the truth, and what I have to say is completely invalid. Sorry, sometimes I forget things like that. That is probably what makes me the equivalent to the devil.... yes. That does make sense. And yes, I did just make up this huge devistating lie that would change everything forever just to make you like me again... How are you just so good at this? And yes, every single thing I do or say in my life is definately a reflection of you. I am just so obsessed with you, that you dictate my every motion. I just turned left at the green light. It's becuase you turned left once, it really is the only reason. I do evny, and truly love to be compared to the one that you lied about to me. The one that made you so paranoid in the first place. If only I was her... then I could be everything you wanted.
     Oh, wait. That isn't true. But... I am a liar. So you must be right. You must be confused... let me set you straight. I do not love you. I am not obsessed with you, I have never lied to you, and you are a fool for thinking that I would spend even a second of my day planning revenge (that is so dear to you) or a plot to trick you into falling in love with me. Don't flatter yourself. You are kind of disgusting. I would never stoop that low. So... I think that I have vented enough. I hope this clears things up for any one who thinks i am psychotic. Because this is OBVIOUS proof that I am.
You are right. Again You win.
(ohhhhhhhhh curve ball!)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

To Those Who Want To Watch The World Burn,

This one is to you, you who think that because you can walk around with your chest held high because your scence of self-rightousness is too high for anyone to rip down. Good for you. Your followers are only that, followers. Beware. They will not end to be your friend. It is just a fact.

They are too busy praising your beloved name and you will never have to struggle with their afflictions because that is below you. You understand dependance because that is what you discovered. You will not hear what I have to say and you will never know how to live life for the sake of someone other than your very own self.

And, because their life is nothing more than a pitiful joke of an existance in all reality they are miserable, they will surely defeat other people. Building themselves up higher and higher, on their pile of their deleted souls. I refuse to be in your grasp to wallow in that depth of hell reserved for those who are foolish enough to believe that there is good in the world. The ones who have compasion and have the faith to love. The fools. The imature ninnys who see good in the world. HAH! No such thing. You have showed me that.

And yet, you have this face of an angel and a way of speaking that only draws me in. There is no escaping the heart wrenching, coward, mutilating angel that is, you. I think of you in the highest respects. Though your heart is full of cold, and your mouth is full of lies, (hey, you showed me that song, thank you!) I am in love with you. I am in love with a monster. But you saved my life. You showed me what it was to be reckless. You listened. You understood me. You saw my heart. You held my heart. You were the one that made me want to dance. Yet according to you, dance was my down fall and my only love. You got that wrong. I love to dance, I love to write, I love my child who is no longer mine, I love coffee, I love reading, I love freaking Harry Potter! I love music. All kinds. I love pictures, I love little kids, I love being sweet, I love compliments, I love my hair! I love walking in the fall time, I love boots and scarves, I love rain, I love... love. You will not bring me down. I will be befall the hell that you wish me to succum to. I apologize for the harsh accusations. You can not blame me though. This is the you that you have showed me. You are strong, and beautiful and you deserve every good thing that the world has to offer. I am obviously not that person.. and I will, someday, be O.K with that. I am colorblind to the real world.  I only see the things in which there is love and beauty. I see you. So there must be some good in that self-proclaimed cold heart of yours after all. You were and are my everything. And this, my love, is for you.
Love, Mate

And so, it has come to this..

So, I have been having an insanely hard time lately. Betrayed by my own sister, lost part of my heart, and I don't really feel like anything is getting any better. Also, I'm failing my college class. Great. So, instead of doing my homework, I am focusing on writing my feelings out for no one to see, watching That 70s Show, and choosing to look at my phone every two minutes just waiting for that call that I know will never come. i just LOVE being ignored. I also have a cut in my lip and my room is really messy. Being a pessimist is some times the only thing that I have to turn to. It is really so much fun to just look at everything in my life that I hate. But then I am forced to look at the bright side.
I got my partriorocol blessing, and I feel like I am going to have a pretty great life, my son is going to be a healthy little one year old in a week, and I have a job interview, and I got to teach dance today. So, that is all good. Also, being depressed is making my appitite go away and I am back to 115 pounds! I'm just venting here because there is no one else for them to go to. So here I can say whatever I want and no one will ever know :) I am so sick of being oppressed by these people around me. I will be heard one day. I dont know who by, but I will be. I am not a liar, and I do not drink and I am going to do great things.
Ah! I wish that I was the Jackie off of That 70s Show. She is so pretty and she has no problem being with guys. And she is rich! Yeah! I could be ok with that. Haha.
basically I can't wait to be married! I honestly thought that he was the one. I know that I am only 18 but it was really love. At least for me. I guess that I was just someone who was there and gave him what he wanted. I don't know why I let myself fall for him. I mean I guess deep down I knew that he was like that. I just thought that for once, maybe someone wouild tell the truth when they spoke. Haha rather high expectations for highschool, I know. But hey, I thought he was "different" I was wrong, like usual. But this time for some reason it was worse. Guess that's what happens when I'm nothing but the rebound. Never again will I think that someone will actually tell the truth, or that family is something more than just a word. I miss his music. I miss his humor. I just miss him. Oh well. Life goes on, right? Well... that's all I worry about. But there is nothing to change. Because I want to be sad. At least for right now. Signing out now. So... yeah.

Saturday, October 8, 2011


Have you ever been in love? Because I am! There is this boy, his name is Wesley. He has beautiful blue eyes! He has the most beautiful smile that you will ever see! He is my son. I love him. I am not sure if "son" is the correct term that I should use, but it is what I am going with. I had him almost a whole year ago, and I placed him for adoption. He is eleven months old right now and is the most beautiful baby in the entire world!
This is my perfect little boy and me when he was about nine months old.

Wes is my reason for everything! He was always there for me when I was big and fat and Pregnant. I love him every day and I don't think that he will ever know how much I truly love him. When I had Wes, I was seventeen years old and a Jr. in High School. Before I had Wes, I was a D'ette at Davis High.

Yes, I am rather proud of this fact! Haha!! At the end of my sophomore year I became pregnant and my world changed forever. I was alone except for my boyfriend at the time, and Wesley's father, Matt. I thought that we would be together forever. But of course, life happens and reality hits and then you are left with nothing but that bitter taste in your mouth, wishing that something different would have happened, but of course, it didn't. So you go on with your life, one way or another.
It wasn't long until I became so big that I had to face a reality. I was probably going to have stretch marks. Wes was due November 15, 2010. I was positive that he was going to be born on Halloween. I was so, so sure. I was very close!

I was just huge on Halloween with my sister, Katie

I was so sure in fact that I was going to have him that I accidentally put myself in Labor not 24 hours labor.. This couldn'g have anything to do with this..

I had Wes early in the morning on November 2, 2010 He was 5 lbs, 13 oz and as perfect as could be. I placed him for adoption two days later, on the fourth, and I tried my hardest to return to life without my little bundler of perfection.

very scared
patiently waiting
And just like that, he was here

I know that those were a lot of pictures and not a lot of expination, but I just don't think that a lot of explination is needed. That is my story of my son. He is my life and has made me who I am today. I am so unbelievably proud of him and I will love him forever.