I am just a walking zombie. If I weren't such a baby I would already be gone. My make up, a mask. Clothes, a curtain. No one knows me. Real or fake, I'm an oddity that isn't relavent enough to notice. Awkward and psychotic. A cinic, I don't believe in good or bad, no right or wrong. Everything just is.
Then why depression? Why anger? Sadness? Happiness? Illusions. Lies to keep us sane. Acceptable only because we like, as a people, to be happy. We like those cruel, giddy butterflies of love, even when they turn into poisionous scorpions in the end. Romantic, I know.
What made me like this? What happens to people who think that the world is good. That there is love and happiness for everyone. What makes that go bad? What changed me? Love? Perhaps.. there was once someone in my life who told me that love was the source of all evil. I completely disregarded that, and said that the great John Lenin had it right "All you need is love". Not true. Love has a funny way of stabbing you in the back. Of making you feel pain that you didn't know you could feel. Love opens your heart and throws daggers at it until there is nothing left but a big, bloody hole. Maybe that guy was right... maybe love isn't such a great thing afer all. I can't think of one situation where love made me happy, and didn't make me cry in the end.
No one knows how fragile girls are. We hurt, we feel, we hear what you say, and we never forget it. I will forever know that I am a psychotic, ignorant, stupid, selfish, ugly, silly girl (insert most creative colorful language here) who was the equivalent of the devil. That is what I will always think of when I think of that. Always. That I am not good enough for anyone.
When will I learn, no one loves me. So, I should stop falling in love. Lesson learned